When you feel hurt or disappointed by your partner, do you say something?
Or are you afraid to express your thoughts and feelings? So many of us choose not to say anything, and so many marriages suffer. We allow things to eat away at us from the inside as we hold our tongues for the sake of peace. Being hurt and disappointed is part of being married. We are all imperfect, and inevitably, we will make mistakes.
But here’s the thing – it’s okay. It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to feel hurt, and it’s okay to express those feelings.
Sure, we can keep our lips sealed, but at what cost? I recently experienced a meltdown. I felt like a pressure cooker that had exploded! It was messy. Tears were steadily skating down my face, and my husband, Brian, was covered in all the words I hadn’t been saying. Want to hear the surprising part? Brian had no idea how I had been feeling! He believed everything was going well, and we were both just a little stressed out, which is precisely why I didn’t say anything in the first place! I knew that Brian would never intentionally hurt me, yet inside, I was screaming for attention, support, and love. I should have been vulnerable and expressed myself more promptly. Once I let it all out, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. It was such a relief, which reminded me that open communication, though difficult, is far better than the alternative.
Do you know what happens when we hurt each other repeatedly without resolving our suffering? We begin to love each other less and less, and then, after a while, we forget why we fell in love with each other in the first place. That’s how marriages end. We don’t cause hurt and disappointments because we are unloving. We hurt each other because we don’t always see our actions as hurtful, or even realize that our partner is afraid to communicate with us. Keeping things bottled up inside is counterproductive in our marriages, because eventually, resentment and contempt begin to take up space in our minds, and hearts. We mean well when we don’t voice our pain, but our hearts slowly harden, and sometimes even break.
We must consider shifting our perspective from “keeping the peace” to “keeping love alive.” We must fearlessly reveal our pain. Past hurts must not overshadow all the good in our marriages. Vulnerability and forgiveness are not signs of weakness, but powerful tools to create more profound, loving relationships with our partners. It’s a choice we can make to empower our relationships and ourselves. Choose love and not fear.