1. What do I need from my spouse that I am not getting? It’s an essential question, because how can your spouse know if you don’t know what you need or want? Think about that for a moment. How is your spouse supposed to fulfill your needs, if you don’t know what your needs are? Be as specific as you can. Is it physical affection? Emotional support? Perhaps more respect? I can tell you this: your needs and wants will change daily. However, if you experience an unmet need every day, then that is the one you must focus on first!
2. How can I meet that need for myself? What can you do to meet your specific need? Did you know that the most common reason our needs aren’t being met is because we neglect ourselves? Your needs matter! We put so much pressure on our spouses to fulfill our needs, and it is simply impossible for them to do so. Here is a little secret: you can meet many of your needs by increasing self-compassion and love for… yourself.
3. Do I know the difference between a need and a want? By definition, a need is something necessary to live and function. A want is something that can improve the quality of our lives. Ask yourself, do I need this to live and function? A need is powerful, because if a need isn’t met, there will be negative consequences. A want is a desire – a nonessential. Here’s an example: When we say, I need my spouse to stop spending so much time on their phone, that is not a need, but a want. Don’t get me wrong, if you and your spouse put down your phones, it will increase your connection and your love for each other. However, what you really need is to be loved.
We all intensely desire to be loved, because being loved is one of our most basic human needs. Love requires us to learn how to communicate our own needs and wants to our partners. It’s so important to understand yourself first. Clarify what you need. Go deep. Remember change begins with… you.