Did you know that money is the second leading cause of divorce? Why? Primarily because of the lack of communication skills needed to navigate money disputes. I am sure you didn’t know that nearly two-thirds of all marriages start in debt. Can you imagine? Two-thirds of couples begin their lives together in the red. No wonder couples argue about money! But guess what? Arguments about money are rarely about dollars and cents. The arguments are more about what money means to each partner than the money itself. Money is symbolic. To some partners, money symbolizes emotional needs such as security, safety, support, care, affection, self-worth, or love. To other partners, money means freedom, flexibility, power, control, status, contribution, or personal achievement.
Have you ever asked yourself what money means to you or what money means to your spouse? Keep in mind there are no wrong or right ways to feel about or interpret money. Arguments about money aren’t really about money. They are about our hopes and dreams, our fears and inadequacies. Money itself is simple. There is addition and subtraction. We know that debts must be eliminated, and money needs to be saved and invested for what we want. It’s our history that influences many of our beliefs about money.
When I was in middle school, I was in the chorus, and every year, we put on a concert for our school. I had this beautiful pink and white gown, but it was too short when I tried it on. I begged and pleaded, but my dad didn’t buy me a new dress. I can still see the picture of the chorus in my mind. I am in the front row, no less with my short dress. All the kids made fun of me, and I felt embarrassed and ashamed. That experience stayed with me. That moment from my childhood contributed to my beliefs about money. Many of your experiences have contributed to your beliefs as well. Our personal beliefs determine how we deal with money in our marriages. Money conversations are loaded with power and meaning for couples, sometimes making discussions heated and, yes, even hurtful.
Only when you both feel understood by each other regarding money can you be motivated to compromise with your finances. Believe both of your beliefs are valid – when we believe there is only one truth, we will argue and defend ourselves.
When we accept that our spouse’s beliefs about money are equally valid, there is no longer a need to argue for our position. Let’s stop fighting about money, focus on understanding and validating each other’s money beliefs, and find peace.
