How often have you said yes to something when that little voice inside you was screaming, “Say no!”? We have all been there: Someone asks us to do something, and although we know that we will have to stretch ourselves, we still say yes! Sometimes, we say yes out of obligation, love, or even guilt, and then, sure enough, we end up feeling stressed out or burdened. Do you ever feel overextended and drained? Has saying yes become your default?
How did we learn that saying yes is positive and strong, and that saying no is somehow negative and weak? Shouldn’t we be able to speak up for ourselves? Is our need to fulfill our sense of belonging exhausting us? Are we using yes to keep the peace too often? Well, what if just for today, we reversed our perspective? Let’s consider why saying no may just be a superpower! Saying no can empower us, restore our energy, and protect us and the ones we love!
Most of us can certainly embrace the idea that saying no can be a good thing.
We understand that there are times when we must say no to our kids, and sometimes, we must even say no to ourselves! But somehow, we still struggle when it comes to saying no to friends, family and coworkers. I know that is true for me. When it comes to saying no to my husband, Brian, my kids, or my mom, no is one of the most challenging words for me to say. Let’s face it: we love our friends and family members, and part of loving someone is wanting them to be happy, right? Learning to say no to them will never be easy. However, did you know that learning to say no is a skill that you can learn and practice? When you learn to say no it can bring a sense of relief and empowerment, knowing that you are taking care of yourself and your needs.
I have been learning and practicing saying no since 2014 when my therapist, Dan, gave me a wake-up call. I was feeling taken for granted and resentful. I was putting a lot of effort into my marriage, and doing my best to do everything I could to make my husband, family and friends happy. The issue was that I was miserable. After several sessions, Dan said something I will never forget. He said, “Michelle, you must learn to say no.” I remember thinking: How do I learn to say no? Is that even a real thing? I like saying yes! I felt guilty when I said no! I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or disappoint anyone, but by doing so, I was making myself overwhelmed, drained, and mentally exhausted. I rarely gave myself the chance to rest and recharge my batteries. Dan’s words hit me hard, because I knew that they were true! I had the disease to please! I was so busy being everything to everyone else that I had forgotten to care for myself!
But I didn’t give up. I started learning to say no, and it was a process. It wasn’t easy, but with each no, I felt a little more in control and a little more empowered. I regained my power by learning to say no. and you can also!
So how does one learn to say no? It begins by being more mindful, and listening to your intuition. If you feel uncomfortable when someone asks you to do something, your little voice is trying to protect you! Ask yourself if you have the time and energy to do it. Will saying yes add value to your life? Are you doing it to please someone? Remember that your time and energy are just as valuable as anyone else’s. Try beginning with phrases like: I have another commitment; I can’t take on anything else right now; or I will not be able to dedicate the time I need to do it. Saying no sets boundaries. Saying “Can I get back to you on that?” gives you time to think. Keep in mind that we don’t owe anyone an explanation, but expressing gratitude for being asked is always a good idea.
Please, don’t get me wrong; I am all for saying yes to people and things that expand our minds and enrich our lives, but we must learn self-preservation, and how to close the door to demands that don’t align with our values. We must learn to create space in our lives to do what makes us feel alive! We must find time to rest, relax and just be. Saying no gives us control, and allows us to live more meaningful lives! When we learn to say no, we become superheroes to… ourselves!
