At some point this fall, assuming we ever get out of the infernal heat wave otherwise known as summer, the average football fan will turn on his or her viewing device to watch their favorite college football team – and be hit harder than a linebacker on a free blitz.
A glance at the standings only provokes more confusion. What are Oklahoma and Texas doing in the SEC?
And USC and UCLA are in the Big 10? Arizona and Arizona State are in the Big 12?
And what happened to the Pac 12? As usual, the answer to all your questions, as the wise Don Ohlmeyer once observed, is money. And lots of it. It started years ago, when the old Southwest Conference dissolved amidst scandal and cheating, the likes of which hadn’t been seen since Sam Bass and the Fort Worth Five roamed Texas. Its demise led to an expansion of the old Big 8, which soon became the Big 12. Arkansas, Texas A&M and Missouri fled to the SEC, and Maryland left the ACC to join the Big 10. Mind you, none of these conferences reflected the actual number of schools in each conference – but who cares, so long as checks didn’t bounce? Television and greedy college presidents saw a plethora of endless riches, and voila: soon UCLA’s track team will prepare for an away meet at Maryland! What’s 2,657.2 miles between rivals anyway? Tradition, schmadition.
Let the good times roll, baby. And spare me the pleas of concern for the student-athlete – a laughable pretext that went out with high-button shoes!
To top it all off, there will be a new college football playoff system in place. Twelve teams will play over four weeks to earn the right to raise the fill-in-the-blanksponsored championship trophy in the third week in January. Most bowls will be reduced to what they’ve become recently: a reward for the kids, and a place boosters and parents can spend the holidays. You watch these games only if you bet on them, or you’re drunk. Or both.
If I sound cynical, it’s because years of passion have given way to a realization that the only people who really care about these games are a handful of alumni – people like me, who still stubbornly “root for the laundry.” To that end, we offer these perilous prognostications on the upcoming campaigns for our local squads.
We start with the top:
FSU: Yeah, I know they lost a ton of talent to the pros, including their QB, but they have learned the art of reloading – and they still play in the ACC. Record: 10-2.
Miami: Coach Cristobal may not know when to take a knee, but he’s learned to work both NIL and the transfer portal. Plus, he gets the ACC discount. Record: 8-4.
UCF: No longer just a commuter school, the Knights make their presence felt in the expanded Big 12. Enjoy that roadie to Phoenix, fellas. Record: 7-5.
Florida: Wow. How the mighty have fallen. And ignored. Not only is UF bad, but no one cares – which is worse. A bad coach and a ridiculous schedule spell the end for Billy Napier. Record: 3-9.
That’s it, folks. And enjoy your kickoff cocktails at your own peril. Let’s go!
