Let´s take an example of a woman I know who spends a lot of her day wondering what her boyfriend is doing; looking for clues he loves her, wondering why he isn’t paying attention to her, worrying he’s flirting with other girls on Facebook. (This applies to both men & women. I just used a woman as example).
What happens when you have some degree of this in your relationship? You’re not a good boyfriend, girlfriend, and/or spouse. The other person feels like he (or she) has to keep making you happy, always be “on” so you won’t wonder what’s wrong with your relationship, always supply your needs, and never have the freedom to do his or her own thing while you do yours. This makes for a tough relationship, and if it lasts more than a few years, longterm problems usually develop.
How to Become Whole in a RelationshipI know because I’ve done it myself, and had to learn the hard way this doesn’t work well. Almost everyone I know who has had relationship problems has had some of these same issues. And the people who have healthy long-term relationships… they’ve found a way to be whole, independent, and secure.
When you’re whole, you don’t need someone else’s validation to be happy - because you accept yourself. You don’t need someone else to love you in order to feel loved - because you love yourself. That’s not to say you don’t love to be loved by others, or want others in your life - but you already provide the foundation of what you need, all by yourself, by accepting and loving yourself.
When you’re whole, you are not insecure, because you aren’t worried so much about the other person leaving. Sure, it would be a great loss for your loved one to abandon you, but you’d be fine on your own. You wouldn’t be “alone” because you have the best company in the world - yourself. You know you’d survive, be happy, and do great things, even without that person. That’s not to say you don’t want your lover to stay - but you aren’t always afraid of the possibility of that person leaving.
A solid relationship is two whole (or at least, fairly whole) people coming together because they love each other’s company. If one person is whole but the other person is needy, dependent, insecure… the whole person will do the best that he or she can to help the other, but over the long run will feel weary of all the neediness and insecurity, and will feel resentment. If both are needy and insecure, there will be constant fights about why you didn’t check in with me, why you’re so distant today, why you’re talking to that guy or gal, what you’re doing when you go out with your friends, etc.
So what if you’re not this “whole” person, and want to be? Realize you already have everything you need to be whole - you just need to let go of the insecurities, and realize how awesome you already are. You don’t need improvement - you need to realize the awesomeness is already there.
How do you let go of the insecurities? That’s not so easy, because it’s a slow healing process, but it starts by recognizing them when they appear, and then letting them go. Notice you’re worried about what your significant other is doing, and then recognize you’re worried they don’t love you as much as they should, and that means you are worried you’re not good enough… then let go of that worry. When worries about whether the other person loves you crop up, recognize them, let them go. When fears of the other person flirting with someone else crop up, recognize them, let them go (worst case scenario: the person cheats, you leave them, and you’re OK on your own). You don’t need it. You are good enough.
If you’re good enough, that means the other person will either recognize that and love you, or won’t recognize it (and therefore won’t be deserving of you) and will not love you, but you’ll be fine because you’re OK on your own. If you’re good enough, you’ll be good enough with or without this person. That’s not to say you want the person to leave, or don’t care about the person, but you know you’d be OK if they did leave you.
Recognize the fears and worries, and let them go. Relax into this new space of being OK with yourself, being happy on your own, knowing things will always be OK. Once you’ve learned this wholeness, you can come together with someone else with confidence, love, compassion and security.
